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College A Am On Student Shows Guide Your Fordham I To Budget Ram 6zZqwq5

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Updated: June 19, 2011

From our partner in peace, Rob:

Being in law enforcement, I have seen some pretty wild and crazy things, but the one thing I always look forward to are the various forms of fake ID cards people try to pass off. Sometimes they get really creative, like that guy in Vegas vacation who made Chevy Chase’s son “Poppagorgio” and sometimes…they’re just BAD.

I spend a lot of time working with a police unit that specializes in counter street-gang activity. This involves going out and interviewing suspected gang members, identifying them and then establishing a record of the contact. Most of the time this kind and sincere request for information is met with a barrage of descriptive adjectives that would make the Church Lady’s ears bleed. But every once in a while, we would run into a kid that had no affiliation with a gang whatsoever, was at the wrong place at the wrong time and such was the case on one fateful evening.

It all started with a typical search warrant on a residence. We were looking for an individual who was suspected in a string of robberies and was supposedly living in a mobile home (go figure) with 5-7 other “family” members. The mobile home was circa 1964 with peeling paint, piss stains on the furniture, and reeking of formaldehyde. The singular common area was the kitchen, which did not have running water but did have a refrigerator connected by an extension cord from the next door neighbor’s. Classy.

Once we identified that the guy we were looking for, half of the team went to work on our suspects living area and the other half rounded up the rest of the herd and sequestered them from the area of the search. It just so happened that the language of choice for our chosen chumps was Spanish. I am as gringo as Queen Elizabeth, but can hold my own when it comes to Spanish. It is amazing how cooperative people become when they can’t hide behind language barriers.

The first thing we hear is “GUN” being shouted from one of my partners in the room being searched. Butt-holes immediately pucker like they’ve been sprinkled with tabasco sauce. My fellow officers and I are the like the Incredible Hulk. We go from light and friendly to insta-ass (really, we were already being assholes but now we are really, really being assholes)! We immediately demand to see IDs from all those present so we can make sure no one is wanted on any other outstanding warrant.

I collect all of the IDs, most of which are foreign drivers licenses, and call them in with the names and dates of birth to cross check their criminal history. So far, so good…every one is coming back clean with no criminal record. Finally, I get to one that makes my Spidey senses tingle.

I first look at it thinking that it is a work ID. I glance again thinking that maybe I am just missing the name. Still confused, I begin to scrutinize it harder; ok, it is a Mexican drivers license, date of birth…wait a minute, the ID is fake. Not only is the ID fake, but the name on the ID….

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That’s right, OLIVE freaking GARDEN! The picture you see above is the actual ID this numb nuts gave to me. Once I realized what the hell I had in my hand, I completely lost it. I mean, really, if you are going to spend $250 on a fake ID, yes, I asked him how much he paid for it, wouldn’t you at least ask for a cool name, like McLovin?

My fellow officers, who were also completely blown away by the shear idiocy of this poor kid started with their own jokes, like: “Where are your brothers, bread sticks and salad?” and “Is Red Lobster your uncle?” I continue to examine the ID and realize that there is actually a fake signature on it as well. Mr. Garden is actually trying to play it off that his first name is Olive’ (O lee vaa) This kid has no idea why we are making fun of him until one of his amigos informs him what the name Olive Garden really signifies. Once he realizes that he is currently named after an Italian restaurant, he did what every criminal does when they finally come to grips that they are busted—bow his head in shame.

Kids, let this be a lesson to you all; if you are going to get a fake ID (and I highly recommend that you do not, as we officers of the law tend to be just a little brighter than what you give us credit for), get one with a cool name and for gods sakes be an organ donor!

If you ever meet me, ask to see this ID. I carry it, as it is just too damned funny!

Comments

0 comments

Fordham Ram Guide I To On Student Budget Your Shows A College Am 9 Comments

  1. Ken

    June 22, 2011 at 7:11 am

    Now he’s an all you can eat salad tosser.

  2. dan

    June 22, 2011 at 11:01 am

    Never ceases to amaze me how the mopes think law enforcement just got off the turnip truck.

  3. Arizona Ranger

    June 22, 2011 at 11:31 am

    Every time I think I’ve seen it all, someone does something to one-up all the others that have come before him.

  4. JeffK-Sgt-WPB,FL

    June 22, 2011 at 3:59 pm

    There’s always a few in the barrel. The guys who sell this are normally dopers who failed out of graphics design school, and laugh their asses off while their customers get a free all expense paid trip on an ICE bus to sunny Project Gun Runner land.

  5. Josh

    June 23, 2011 at 8:32 pm

    Glad to see a Law Enforcement side of things! Stay safe!

  6. Virtus

    June 27, 2011 at 10:47 am

    ok, I am trying to determine why this fool would bother to pay for a fake Mexican ID in the first place. –

    • Rob

      June 27, 2011 at 8:30 pm

      Ahhh…because the possession of a drivers license (even a foreign one) will keep someone from being arrested for no valid drivers license in some states. Although, if a chuckle-head presented me this…he would still be going for a little ride to the pokey!

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  7. chris dangelo

    July 8, 2011 at 12:10 pm

    wots up

  8. chris dangelo

    July 8, 2011 at 12:14 pm

    im a bad ass marines

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